When all your best efforts as a church-going woman of faith result in darkness and despair.

We women have righteous desires PLANTED IN OUR HEARTS from birth. 

You can see it in the eyes of a little girl at church.  She shines as she fumbles over the primary songs. She gives it her all, she keeps practicing until she learns those songs.

She finds ways to be charitable and loving with her friends at an early age: sharing her seat with a friend, giving her brand new toy away to make friends.

She thrives on belonging and love.  She does whatever she can to belong and be loved.

Trials may ensue early on, she finds faith and hope, even at a young age.  She does all she can to belong and be loved by God, even if she doesn't realize THAT is the feeling she is chasing.  So she makes good choices.  She tries out prayer, she tries out reading her scriptures, she tries out meeting with the Bishop.

She makes mistakes, but she finds her way back.  Every time she deepens her testimony: baptism, following the standards set by the Prophet's and the Scriptures, rehearsing the Young Women Theme, finding herself,

All while seeking for that belonging, and the good feelings that come with God’s love.

Finally, she graduates high school and she goes out into the world.  Her face is shining and bright, and extremely innocent. She is ready to face the world; to not repeat the mistakes of her parents. No matter how deeply her own mistakes have caused her to taste the realities of life, her virtuous desires shine so brightly, so loud, that the whole world can literally see it on her-- she glows.

She sets out, she goes to college, or she gets a job, or she prepares to serve a mission.  It really doesn't matter because she contributes to society in a good way.  It's just who she is.  She is full of love, strives for loving connections with friends and blesses the lives of those around her.  She is proud of herself, but insecure, still seeking for love and belonging.

Then, it happens.  

She meets someone.  

She meets the man of her dreams.  

She can almost picture their picket fence and porch swing, (with a shady oak in their front yard for the kids' tree house), on their first date.  She knows he is the one, and because he shows that he is enamored with her, she is secure.  The interviewing process is over. He is righteous, he represents all she ever wanted in a man, he is the embodiment of all her dreams, and together they will make their dreams come true.  Together they will "build up the kingdom of God."  Together they will "labor in Zion."  Together they will be better than they ever were when they were apart, they will seek God's will and feel his love.

She is bright and shining more than ever before on her wedding day.  She is all in white, all pure and as virtuous as her heart’s desires; she is ready to rise to her calling.

But then, one day she finds herself completely unhappy, feeling dull.  She wonders, "where is the love? where is the belonging? where has my shiny gone?" She looks in the mirror and she can't figure out:

"WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?"

And the quest begins.  She is determined again; she is ready again.  This time with an even greater determination to feel that love, to make this dream happen! And she goes to work on herself.  She asks for God's help, but she does all she can.  She prays more fervently, she studies the scriptures, she follows the words of the prophets.  She begins to scrutinize her every move, always identifying if her actions are moving her closer to her goals or farther away.  She works her very damndest.  She births children, she cleans the same floor hundreds of times, she decorates and rearranges, she cooks and cleans and nurtures. She gives love, all that she is, to her husband. She straps the entire family on her back and carries them.

And her light within becomes smaller and smaller and smaller.  

She wonders,

Is there light at the end of this tunnel? Will all this be worth it eventually?

Then, be it 1 year or 5 years or 10 years down the road, her husband comes forward and says the words: 

pornogRAPHY addiction.

Doing all she can to make sense of these words, she shutters a bit, she cries in her closet a few times, but she is determined.  This was not in the plans at all, so it will not destroy this family! She asks for help from God and then she gets to work.  She finds the deepest, last ounce of self-will and she bolsters up, carrying her family.  Each step is heavy, heavier than before, but she.will.do.this.thing.

Finally, she crashes, as her husband flounders in the early, wretched stages of recovery.  She has literally crumbled into a million pieces.  She tries and tries and tries again and again to pick up the pieces.  She thinks, "if I could just make it ONE MORE STEP... maybe we would be there, finally..."  But she can't.  She literally can't make it even one more step on her own.

And then she finds all these emotions.  She is full of despair. She is full of anger and the wrath of betrayal.  She is full of discouragement.  She is full of depression. She is full of irritation and impatience. She has become some sort of dark ugly beast, growling and snarling.  Her glow is gone; it was gone long ago.  Her bright shining future is lost, buried deep beneath all the pain.  Her strength, self-will and determination have all been shattered and she feels at times that she has no choice but to sell her soul to the devil himself.

She loses all good feelings.  Where before, the feelings of God's love had become fleeting, they are now nowhere to be found.  There are none.  Maybe it's not even real. Maybe it never was real to begin with. 

She begins to question all that she has ever stood for. She begins to wonder why she had the dreams and goals she ever had to begin with.  She has too much time to wallow in her situation, because she can't move. She is completely shattered, paralyzed, and somehow she still manages to get food into her children's mouths and clothing on their backs.  

She doesn't even recognize herself anymore.  

Finally, in her deepest, darkest pit of despair, without a husband anywhere in sight to help her up, without a soul anywhere in sight to really reach her in her misery, she finds faith.  She feels abandoned and betrayed by God, but she can't see any other way to move forward. She calls out to God again, and she tells him, "I can't move. Can you help me? This time I won't be able to contribute... anything... but I need your help."  He agrees, and He carries her.  She doesn't notice it at first.  She wonders how she is taking the next step, and the next step, and the next step.  She continually finds new ways that she is broken.  All she can see is how broken she is.  But yet, slowly, ever so slowly, she is moving forward.

She has no idea that He is carrying her, RIGHT NOW He is carrying her.

And what she doesn't realize yet is that this very dark place she is in, IS ACTUALLY HER REBIRTH. Her freedom from all the hustling and striving and carrying and doing and being everything for everyone. This is where her true self finally has permission to emerge. 

So, hold on, sweet sister. This horrible, crumpled mess is actually a perfectly tailored gift.

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