Do My Secret Marriage Problems Affect My Kids?
I don’t talk enough about the consequences for our choices.
So, we find ourselves in a lonely marriage. There is pain, poor communication, a lack of openness, a lack of intimacy or into-me-see. We have all these feelings about the marriage:
Resentment for things not spoken. Resentment for expectations not met. Resentment for the loneliness.
But as GOOD, KIND WOMEN, we stay quiet. We take one for the team, and we think, “I have to be the strong one.” So day in and day out we go, silent, in a lonely marriage.
We think we are doing it to keep the peace. We think we are doing it to protect our children from the pain of divorce.
But what are the consequences of living like this?
What are the consequences for our children?
Lets look at this from their perspective: they are brought up in a home where mom seems angry or passive a lot of the time. She doesn’t say what she is feeling, or maybe she does, but only under her breath or to friends. They see her finally blow up and say something to dad, and then they watch dad, wall up, shut down. There is no communication. Both parents feel alone in a marriage.
How do you think the children feel?
They feel alone in the family.
If you feel alone in your marriage, your child will feel alone in your family.
Daughters are looking to their mothers asking, “SHOW ME WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A WOMAN, MAMA.”
Boys are looking at their fathers asking, “SHOW ME WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN, FATHER.”
Our children see walls, no emotions and no communication.
So when THEIR little life becomes challenging, confusing, overwhelming. Guess what they do?
Walls, no emotions, no communication.
But what happens to the pain?
They turn to TV, video games, pornography, screens, food, friends, escapism to survive the pain, because they have no tools to deal with it and they are now literally ALONE in their pain.
“But I keep open communication with my children even though our marriage is awful.” You may say.
But, our kids learn far more from what we DO than what we SAY.
There is SO much at stake here when we choose to wall up. When we choose to reject intimacy as our way of being. When we choose NOT to go after the marriage we know we deserve. When we choose NOT to heal and unlearn our survival skills that are no longer serving us.
This is a harsh pill to swallow, but let me reiterate.
If you feel alone in your marriage, there will come a time when your child will feel alone in your family.
Except… it doesn’t have to be that way.
Take your first step. Book a free call with me.
So, sweet mama, what are you waiting for?
Learn more about how we can work together
I’m Melisa!
I breathe intimacy into places where only disconnection lives.
Ready to rekindle the beauty of connection? Learn how we can work together to bring you more happiness, love & joy.
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