Why Intimacy & Sex? Part III - TRIGGER WARNING
The Men.
2 months ago I was asked to speak in Colorado. It would consist of a day-long mastermind with the 6 speakers and then in the evening, we would speak on stage.
All but 2 of the speakers were men.
I resisted my knee-jerk reaction to run and said yes.
So there we are, it is the big day.
Normally I go first for everything. It's just what I do.
But not this time. The whole day had passed along and I didn't yet take my turn in the hot seat for the mastermind.
I was trying to decide what to share and receive support around. And I was also unconsciously feeling out the men in the group. One by one, they sat in the hot seat and bore their soul. Talking about their lives up to this point, what their vision for the world is, what they have done to create it, what they want to do, what has held them back... and I fell in love with their spirits one by one. They were each amazing.
Then it hit me.
It was my turn, and rather than tell them about my business model and blah, blah... I needed them to witness my story...
I would tell them my story... with men.
I started tentatively, and began crying immediately, and constantly for the next 1.5 hours.
I said, "I don't need any business strategies today. I need... men who can be my friends... I need to be seen deeply by men who are not my husband, so I can build up the belief in myself that most men are good. That I can trust men. That I can be seen and understood... and valued.... by men."
Some of what poured out of my mouth surprised me.
For instance, I even talked about how most of the men who belong to my church and family seem to turn their noses up at my business, they don't ask me about it, because most of the women in my church are stay at home moms. Like this attitude of - what are you doing in this space with your "cute little relationship business?" I didn't realize how much that bothered me until I said it.
But I went way deeper than that...
I told of my grandpa. The one you already know about (see part 1 and part 2).
I told of my dad who was an addict his whole life and ultimately followed in his father’s footsteps, cheating on my mom and divorcing her when she became chronically ill.
I told of my other grandpa. A Vietnam veteran who molested my mother and her sister until she was 14. So ultimately both of them weren't able to raise their only daughters, because they had endured so much damage in their childhood that they never quite figured out their adulthood.
How their brother was put into an insane asylum at 17 and eventually died there because he tried to burn the house down and was diagnosed with schizophrenia but probably was just spiritually sensitive to what was happening in their home.
I told of my great uncle who molested his nieces and when they were on his way to have him arrested he shot himself. And his son, now a 60-year-old man, just finished a prison sentence for voyeurism and child pornography.
I told of my machismo uncle who raised me from 12 to 18, who would dominate every conversation. Who poked me in the chest until it bruised letting me know that I was not allowed to show emotion in his home. Who condescendingly criticized my aunt at every dinner time as we sat for the mandatory family dinner to watch. How I would get in so much trouble for standing up to him.
I told about marrying my husband and trying to micromanage and control him to the very core because I was so friggin' terrified that if I didn't, he would destroy my life, and now my children's lives. How I would belittle him and try to out-compete with him in everything we did. And how horrified I was when he came forward letting me know about his secret sex addiction that I knew nothing about our first 5 years of marriage.
Is it any wonder that we might wince around men? That we might struggle around our husbands, even our own sons?
BUT THEN I TOLD HOW CJ TAUGHT ME. HOW... WHEN I WATCHED HIM GO THROUGH THAT ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS AND PAINSTAKING PROCESS OF RECOVERY, AND THEN START OUR MARRIAGE ANEW, RIPPING OUT THE FOUNDATION AND REPLACING IT WITH A NEW ONE... HOW HE GAVE ME A HOPE IN MEN THAT I HADN'T EVEN KNOWN WERE THERE. THAT I HADN'T EVER EXPERIENCED.
It didn't make sense... to know his deepest darkest secrets, some of which had hurt me tremendously, but then love him all the more for it. And respect him all the more for it.
I told of how I came to a point where I was able to put myself in their shoes, the men in my life. To see the world through their eyes. To find some compassion and understanding... for each of them. To come face to face with the darkness inside of them... and begin to understand what broke, what went wrong when they made such life-altering decisions.
And you know what happened as I shared... Each of them cried. They cried with me, they cried for me, they cried for the men in my life, they cried for the women in my life, then we all cried for humanity...
We all cried for all of it.
They went around the room one by one, empathizing with me. Thanking me for my sacred story and vulnerability. And telling me that they love me.... like in a brotherly way. They told me how much they respected me as a business woman, how much I had helped them with the things I shared with them as they were on the hot seat. They told me what they saw in me.
And I went from sobbing to shaking, to softening... sipping my peppermint tea surrounded by men.
And then we had an open conversation... about how hard this whole paradigm is for good men. One by one it sort of leaked out as they shared their reaction to my story.
How they spend their lives trying to prove they aren't one of those guys.
How do they feel shame for being so sexually driven and no one helps them understand what to do with that.
How hard it is to feel like you have to be the strong one all the time and never show emotion.
How do most men recognize the sacred protective role they play for women, and how vulnerable women must feel even if nothing else but for our biology.
How much pressure they feel, even from their own wives, to live up to this massive expectation she has of him.
How they do have a dark side that is violent and wants to protect and defend and would kill for it, but no one helps them understand that part of themselves... and how women act like they hate it... until they need it.
How much they want to give and serve and lead but how often they are emasculated and robbed of the opportunity.
I heal sex and intimacy for myself and for the women in the world... for the men too. Men who have made good choices and bad choices. Men who are simply trying to figure it all out, just like the women.
When I work with couples side by side with my husband, I see this same earnestness in the husbands that I work with. They are good, they want to make their wives happy. Their inner child wants to be told he is doing good and he is a good boy. (JUST like our inner child has wanted too.) They need to take accountability, yes. There need to be consequences for poor actions, yes.
But most of our men, need to stop being punished for the sins of the men around them.
And I (we) can change that, by healing our own intimacy.
"If you want more connection in your marriage, it starts with you. Melisa can teach you how to get there. It is an individual, yet couple’s journey that is so powerful and empowering."
-Garcias-
ARE YOU READY TO TAKE DOWN YOUR WALLS, AND BE FREE TO EXPERIENCE TRUE CONNECTION?
Let’s Talk.
Schedule a free call with me, to explore options for couples intimacy coaching.
"...as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
I’m Melisa!
I breathe intimacy into places where only disconnection lives.
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