Why is it so hard for us as women to actually hear our husband's vulnerability?
I watch this thing happen when I'm talking to couples...
Two amazing people in a pretty amazing relationship will get onto a call with me. They want it to be even better...
So I ask questions.
I create a safe space, so everyone can get introspective and share what's really real...
Do you know what happens?
He DOES open up and share...
He does seek to express emotion...
He does get a trembling in his voice...
He even does express how much she means to him...
He does.
But she doesn't hear it.
It's so common that I now expect it.
He will say something that was truly vulnerable... and before he can finish, she hops into talking about something else.
He's used to it too.
Part of him expected that anyways. It's the same response he has received in one shape or another since he was a kid, "suck it up..." or, "well take care of it..." or "don't be a cry baby, don't be so sensitive..."
Part of him seems relieved to be off the hot seat, to be all about her and her needs... it's comfortable and familiar and safer there anyways...
But then part of him is understandably and often unconsciously deflated. Like, "Okay, I'll just retreat back into my cave. It was stupid to come out in the first place. Why did I think this would be any different..."
Why is it so hard for us as women to actually hear our husband's vulnerability?
There are a lot of reasons but let's let Brene Brown take the stage on this one...
"This idea that we ask men to show up and to be vulnerable, to let themselves be seen, but that we really can’t tolerate it, was probably one of the most significant patterns that emerged from my work with men. When I went back and talked to women about this, or I did interviews with both men and women, the response was, ‘it’s true. I ask him to be vulnerable, I ask him to show up, I ask him to show me the fear, but when he does it I am terrified and my response is to shut that down immediately, I don’t want to see that’."
-Brene Brown, Men Women, and Worthiness
So the answer about why it's so hard? It's terrifying.
Because just as much as our men have been conditioned to never express emotion, we have been conditioned that we aren't actually safe when they do.
It takes a lot of practice in my own into-me-see to be able to into-him-see.
But we can do this. We CAN create the kinds of relationships we really crave, and the kinds of spaces where both of us are fully heard and seen and honored.
When you hear these cues from your husband, cues that he might actually open up...
Lean in and get still and quiet.
Everything slows way down.
His expression is usually more stoic.
His body language is still, and his poker face is usually on.
His pauses become longer as he seeks to find and carefully select his words.
And then when it seems he is finished, say, "tell me more" or, "thank you for telling me."
Resist all urges to give advice... No coaching, no criticizing, and no shutting down.... As much as everything inside of you might be defaulting to these places because of how foreign this may feel.
Remain open.
Receive him.
Observe your own feelings as they arise.
Can you seek to truly understand him?
Try it ♡ it's worth every effort, I promise
"If you want more connection in your marriage, it starts with you. Melisa can teach you how to get there. It is an individual, yet couple’s journey that is so powerful and empowering."
-Garcias-
ARE YOU READY TO TAKE DOWN YOUR WALLS, AND BE FREE TO EXPERIENCE TRUE CONNECTION?
Let’s Talk.
Schedule a free call with me, to explore options for couples intimacy coaching.
"...as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
I’m Melisa!
I breathe intimacy into places where only disconnection lives.
Ready to rekindle the beauty of connection? Learn how we can work together to bring you more happiness, love & joy.
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